Autosadism

from Bipolar by Desert Eclipse

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lyrics

Passion: noun
A powerful, compelling emotion or feeling usually associated with love or hate;
Also an enthusiastically consuming fondness for an object, act, habit, etc.
Its origins lie in ancient Greek and Latin, as well as Middle English from words meaning “to suffer, submit, or endure”

I’m aware that any performance could be my last
I’m sorry I can’t sing very well.
I can barely write.
If I were clever, this’d be better.
But I’m not... So it’s not.
I want to take this moment to say that I love you all.
If you’re listening and sharing, I love you.
If you’re listening and keeping me secret, I love you.

I trust you.
Here’s a confession,
Please know I don’t trust easy, but as long as I do,
I’ll keep confessing
Oh, I'll keep confessing:

I was four when I first considered suicide
I wanted to jump into a deep pool though I couldn’t swim
Some would call this feeling of wanting to jump “vertigo”
I don’t have a word/phrase for it
Most times, I think “missed opportunity”
At the moment I had no concept of afterlife or oblivion
I hardly understood “drowning”
But it sounded right
Still does in hindsight

Assimilation into what gives life
Knowing escape is impossible
Knowing escape is incomprehensible
There’s probably a word for that

But
I guess...
I just don’t...
I don’t know it yet