I yearn to recall I yearn to recall simpler times When suicidal thoughts were comforting An occasional hobby When I found, When I found Shakespeare's tragedies funny And superfluous his comedies “I cried to dream again” Saccharin's no honey Marie shared her cake Comfort Eagle and pretty ribbons of pink upon guillotines It's the artificiality It's a fissure to me A trap sending monsters to their grave Sacrificing sanity's a must Sumaria or bust! “But you’re healthy, you’re writing, You’re in a band, The one you love, you have their hand You don’t have it bad!” Everything is relative Eloquence and artistry are semantics Brain and mind appreciate diversity Their feuds devastate the body (Hypersomnia is so tiring) If being happy wasn’t dependent on chemistry, My blood polarity would be blasphemy (Nothing promises pleasure) Records/stories are spun every night Framing means nothing I’m just biding my time Tommy, You warned me Gold medals in the rain Tommy, They left me Autodidact in pain Tommy, I forced me My legs hurt from dancing

Tipitty tip tapping Tapping tapping Tap tap tapping Tipping Tapping Because if I don’t, The bees, they will escape! (NOBODY CARES) I feel them in the, in the, in the pockets of my joints Knuckles pop, poppity-pip-pop to extend their prison-stay-stay-stay Stay Stay STAY! STAY! The keys clickity-clack, clickity-clack (Moo! Ha) making words and words and words and words and words........ Moo! HA! WORDS! HA! (NOBODY CARES) My foot’s a’movin’ And feet’s a’groovin’ Up and down and down and up and up and all around Because if I don’t, The worms will crawl into my eyes The ankle-breaking heel-gyrating toe-spanking do-si-doing Keeps them a’shakin’ Below my clanking knees I’m crying Please. I can’t stop writing My soul is overfilling my body And leaking From under my tongue and tear ducts (NOBODY CARES) It hurts So badly (I just want to sleep.) I can’t even catch my breath I’m going to start hyperventilating It hurts So badly (NOBODY CARES) My soul is leaking Spilling onto the floor And I just cleaned! (I think my teeth are bleeding From smiling much too hard) Please, forgive me (You can’t argue with chemistry In this box, I am suffocating) (NOBODY CARES) I slept most of days away this week And now I can’t find time to blink I hate sleeping I hate waking There’s no in between There’s always thinking Pour me a drink, please Give me paresthesia Everything tastes like coffee You can’t argue with chemistry (NOBODY CARES) My sleepless identity Is my disordered personality I am my pathology My sickness defines me

Passion: noun A powerful, compelling emotion or feeling usually associated with love or hate; Also an enthusiastically consuming fondness for an object, act, habit, etc. Its origins lie in ancient Greek and Latin, as well as Middle English from words meaning “to suffer, submit, or endure” I’m aware that any performance could be my last I’m sorry I can’t sing very well. I can barely write. If I were clever, this’d be better. But I’m not... So it’s not. I want to take this moment to say that I love you all. If you’re listening and sharing, I love you. If you’re listening and keeping me secret, I love you. I trust you. Here’s a confession, Please know I don’t trust easy, but as long as I do, I’ll keep confessing Oh, I'll keep confessing: I was four when I first considered suicide I wanted to jump into a deep pool though I couldn’t swim Some would call this feeling of wanting to jump “vertigo” I don’t have a word/phrase for it Most times, I think “missed opportunity” At the moment I had no concept of afterlife or oblivion I hardly understood “drowning” But it sounded right Still does in hindsight Assimilation into what gives life Knowing escape is impossible Knowing escape is incomprehensible There’s probably a word for that But I guess... I just don’t... I don’t know it yet

Cognitive dissonance is my constant, isn't it? Intentionally unintelligible Screen fed Scream dead I want to be heard Not just heard Fuck, fucking fuck Rewrite More blood Learn to fucking write More blood Fuck fucking fuck Rewriiiiiite Ignite the cathartic hemoptysis Lowly fucking plagiarist There’s not enough blood Rewrite Fucking fuck Learn to fucking write What the fuck is wrong with you? Try try again There’s not enough blood Rewrite Do it again, get it right Fuck You’re better than this Needs more blood Rewrite, rewrite, rewrite Needs more blood More blood, more blood, more blood Needs more blood Fuck!

This apathetic anxiety is conflicting within me My suicidal ideation is misplaced reciprocation With its Psychomotor agitation conflating insomnia-fueled deliberations Thoughts and veins in a race; pumping red cells and neurons as I Pace, pace Pace, pace I don't care, but know I should I would care, but know I can't Nihilists have the righter idea And the solipsistic to an extent: Life has no inherent value Conscripted shepherds are buried at sea I’m drifting from shoreline Fear and boredom cannot cohabitate I’m so numb... Existential spacial awareness fleeting I'm so numb... Gnawing nails, spitting blood Luring sharks in the flood I’m so numb... Tying cement shoes as I slip into seabed Inhaling a wife worth of salt, Lot's Lungs filling like the Exodus plague Entrenched by an excessive weight That snaps my necklace Experiment intended to fail Though if I had kicked myself beyond the pale... Who is gonna argue with the results? Since when was my end something you could contend? Who are you to tell me how I feel?! I’m aware of my mistakes Don’t remind me! I’m aware of my mistakes They taught me knotting I’m aware of my mistakes They haunt me, pushing Don’t remind me A forsaken toxic desert, sandstorming a dry drowning The sharks are... (they’re just fish) The sharks are... Surrounding The sharks are... (they’re just fish) The sharks are... Devouring The sharks are... (they’re just fish) The sharks are... Expounding Somewhere beyond this sea My angel stands on golden sands Beyond stars, beyond the moon My heart will lead me there soon Happy, I’ll be And never again... Never again... Will I go sailing

Factories of plastic produce society's static Routine after routine, spick and span The children are laughing with eyes and ears shut Schools and parents pass doctrines of Grow The Hell Up No time to play, no time to lose Week after week, plights and plans Sell your soul, make a quick buck American dream? You’re shit out of luck No honor for a military losing their lives Being fodder for an American Reich Money is king with no change to back it up Plutocracy thrives off the worst of us Silence is key in this gilded age Reject the dissenters Sound Drowns Sound Bounds Hear them come a-marching Beating a drum of rotten rawhide Look at the puppets, see how they dance, They look like little people with little pairs of pants Watch them speak, watch them pray, gaze at The scrambling when they haven't been told what to say Isn't it cute, isn't it neat? Isn't it such a fucking treat?! Isn’t it fun, isn’t it rad? How could something publicized be any bad?! A house divided surely cannot stand They cite century old manuscripts To justify their intolerance Slavers seeking asylum Unbeknownst to industrialization History is catalog of predictable ironies Morality is but a fleeting zeitgeist Occupy the cities, blood up to our knees Tear down these walls, chop down cherry trees Taking back what was stolen We smile as Big Brother’s watching Violence begets violence Reciprocated gouging leave us blind Real men fight real fights, They don’t piss themselves over petty gun rights The second revolution won’t be fought with arms Come and keep your comrade warm Power to the people but people are yet to be found Power-hungry steeples point to abstract nouns Power-outlets breed disinformation Plug in your eyes, unplug your mind Unpopular opinion is on the rise Feed them your lies, dispose of our lives [Unpublished opinion will be your demise] The Binary State The only thing we love is our right to hate One on one You against us Tyrant or patriot? Only prying eyes judge Become the narrative of complacency Bow to your corporate masters Alone, we are nothing Together, we’re a swarm “If a plant cannot live according to its (means), it dies; and so a man” ""- excerpt of Civil Disobedience by Henry David Thoreau